Me

I feel like if I did this I would talk to no one.

I also feel like I suck at relationships in general. This is me, right now.

Thoughts From Today

A few things that I wrote down throughout the day. Three separate occasions, along a similar theme. So many things go through my mind throughout the day, but I forget them if I don't write them down immediately. A lot of times I'm driving when thoughts occur to me, so I can't write them down. Today I had opportunity to put the things to paper:

I always see and hear more than people think I do. More than they even mean by their words and actions. My mind automatically interprets things in so many ways all at once, usually ending with a conclusion that assumes the worst, or less than positive at best. I may look like nothing is going on, but inside there's a battle waging.

Sometimes I think maybe I'm incapable of opening myself to someone else. That I'm always going to be alone because of this. That people only see my outer self and take no time to get to know the real me. I feel like I'm a different species, or even an alien stuck in this world, with nobody to be with.

I get so lost in thinking about what I want that I forget about my relationship with God. I need to focus on that, instead of the things I'm disappointed about in life.

Drive

I'm normally a pretty calm, laid-back person, taking things as they come. But there are a few circumstances where I have almost zero patience - one of which is when I'm driving. People do some of the dumbest things when they are driving, and it DRIVES. ME. CRAZY. Here's a list (in no particular order) of the things other drivers do that annoy me:

• Not using turn signal until they're practically stopped (signal before you break, people)
• Not using turn signal at all
• Driving too closely behind me, especially at higher speeds. (3 seconds between you and the car in front of you. I make a point to count the seconds sometimes - pick a spot and count how long it takes you to reach it after the car in front of you)
• Pulling out in front of me - and then turning a half mile down the road.
• Not accelerating up to the speed limit because they're turning in a mile or two.
• Not stopping at stop signs ([almost] everyone rolls through a stop sign sometimes, but blowing right through one? You're gonna cause an accident)
• Driving slow in the fast lane.
• Driving so slowly I can pass them going under the speed limit.

This list is by no means exhaustive - I'm sure I could think of more things if I put the time in.

Story of Me - More Than You Ever Wanted to Know

I always give up on blog posts because I can't come up with a start that I'm happy with. Well, here's the beginning of my blog post. No excuses. There have been some things that I've been needing to say, to get out. I despise posts on social media where people feel the need to post their every problem to everybody. It seems desperate and needy - which I do feel sometimes. Well, here's my story. Not plastered all over Facebook, but here on my personal blog for whomever cares to read it. It's a story that's been months, years even, in the coming.



Sometimes - many times - I feel very alone. When I left home for college 7 years ago (WOW!) I fully expected that I wouldn't be leaving alone. And by that I mean I believed that I was going to meet the man I would marry - and that would be my status by  now. I left high school full of hope for the future. I've always wanted to find the love of my life and marry him - since, well as long as I can remember. 

I had a crush on one guy all the way through high school, since seventh grade, and it didn't end until halfway through my freshman year of college. I told him, in a round about way, during our sophomore year of high school. We would email each other sometimes, just to stay in touch outside of school. We would sign-off the notes with "Love," as friends do. One time I wrote "Love (in more than one way, maybe)." Wonderfully direct (not...)! Well, he had a girlfriend at the time, and he responded something to the effect of  "we're very happy right now." So that was that - as I continued to keep my secret interest for the next 2 1/2 years. I believe I did love him - as much as my young, teenage self could.

Fast-forward to college, where I realized that there was no point of continuing to pointlessly torture myself for someone who wasn't going to reciprocate the feelings. I went to special school events with a few guys my freshman and sophomore years. I spent a couple summers obsessing about a couple different guys (one at a time, I promise). Because that's what I do; I obsess. Plant the thought in my mind that a guy could possibly have a bit of interest in me, and I'm off. It's happened a couple times, by well meaning friends...Before they say anything, I'm just being friends with a guy. Then a couple friends think they see something, they say something, and that gets me thinking. Very dangerous - because then comes the obsession (but not in a creepy way, I promise. More like a "I can't stop thinking about and analyzing every little thing said and done" way). I thought, what better place to find your life mate than at a place where you're surrounded by like minded people who share your faith? Apparently that wasn't God's plan for my life.

Senior year of college I thought my moment had finally come. I was asked to artist series by a guy whom I'd worked and had several classes with (whom I had briefly considered interest in previously, but discarded the thoughts when I heard that he liked another girl. That's the quickest way I get over a guy - he starts dating someone else). I accepted. We went out at  a coffee shop and talked. It was a wonderful time. We went to the artist series concert together and then went bowling afterword. Again, we had a wonderful time. Then about a week later we went out for dinner together at a local place. I'd been waiting for, expecting, the conversation to turn to serious things. Which they did. He asked, "What do you think of dating?" And I froze. I literally couldn't say a word. I sat there, thoughts furiously going through my head, but they wouldn't come out verbally. I was scared, so scared. I don't even know how to fully explain it. I felt like I was drowning in my my mind. I didn't know how to verbalize what I was thinking. Suffice to say things didn't end well. Sometimes you come across questions such as "if you could go back in time, what is one thing you regret that you would change." there is nothing in my life that I really regret except for this experience - and I wished for a long time that I COULD  go back and change those events. I finally obtained closure almost 2 years later when I wrote to him, apologizing for the way I had treated him.

I've only ever wanted one thing more than I want to be married, to love and be loved. I remember vividly how I felt when I realized my need of salvation. That April night fifteen years ago, when I told my mom, who was washing dishes, that I NEEDED to be saved. And she led me to the Lord while we sat on my bed. That desire, that need, is the comparison I realized for how deeply I desire that relationship - that of a husband and wife. I've grown up hearing and reading about how great it is, God's design for man and woman. I want my chance.

Now. I graduated from college and moved back home 3 years ago. And I've never felt as alone as I do now. Life up to college was school. Granted, I never really had friends until junior high, but from then on I had my group of friends, so I guess you could say my life got progressively better as I got older. Then college. I loved attending Maranatha. I loved being in the atmosphere, surrounded by other Christians. Even if the rules were annoying sometimes, the people more than made up for any inconvenience the rules created. Friends who truly cared, professors who truly cared. I've never been one to easily open up, as my closest friends know all too well. But for four years I was in an environment where I thrived, I always had people. Now, I don't have that constant access to people. I feel like a burden to peopled, like I'm imposing if I express a need for their time. Sometimes I feel like I care more than other people. Maybe I do, or maybe that's a lie. But where is everybody? I feel like if I want to keep in contact with anyone, I have to be the one to always initiate. Just the thought of that is exhausting sometimes. Why does nobody talk to me, I wonder? I must care too much, I think. Everybody's busy, they get distracted with life. Then I see posts about how people are getting together, and it makes my heart ache.  I miss my friends so much. What happened to me?

x

Beginning of a Journey

Wow! It's been just over a year since my last post! 

Well, as the title of this post says, I've  embarked on a new journey. A journey to health and fitness. I've been unhappy with my weight and lack of fitness for quite a while now, and after trying several unsuccessful attempts over the past few years I decided enough was enough.

I think the main reason I failed before was because I didn't have any real motivation and I was trying to do too much. So this time, I'm just doing the basics: watching what I eat and exercising more. I found a great app for my phone that lets me keep track of what I eat and how much I exercise (Livestrong MyPlate) along with the main website, which has a lot of helpful articles and workout ideas. I think the key for me is variety: too much of one thing makes me get bored, so I quit. The internet is helpful in this regard! A quick search and I can find new ideas for workouts and for different interesting foods to try! (Pinterest is great! lol) It's rather difficult to work on my core muscles since most of my spine is fused because of surgery to correct scoliosis, but I've found some great exercises to work those hard-to-reach muscles (and believe me, they are so very out of shape because of that!) Today I discovered a way to do sit-ups in the pool (impossible otherwise) which is awesome! I love that I can do workouts in the pool! No sweat! :)

So, I began this journey about 2 weeks ago (15 days to be exact...) and so far I've lost 5 pounds! Which is a great start toward my goal of 30 pounds. I know this will definitely help with my occasional back pain (caused by spondylolisthesis). I want to increase my physical endurance (I can't even jog 1/10 of a mile right now...) and strength.

So here I go!
 

The Rising Storm

This a paper I wrote my senior year of high school. Yes, it is long (10 pages double spaced), but worth the read. I've included my sources at the bottom. This paper is strictly educational, as it doesn't precisely take one side or the other. My personal position, however, is pro-life.

The year is 1965. Norma McCorvey – a divorced, poor, and single parent from Texas – struggles to support herself and her daughter with her job as a waitress. Ms. McCorvey is pregnant but feels that she cannot support another child. She wants to have an abortion but her doctor informs her that a woman can have an abortion in Texas only if her life is in danger, and her life is not. Ms. McCorvey is unable to have a legal abortion performed in Texas, cannot afford to go to California where abortions are legal, and does not have the money to pay for an illegal abortion anywhere. Trying to somehow overcome the state law, Ms. McCorvey, bitter and depressed, decides to lie about her situation. She makes up a story about being raped by four people, but finds that she cannot evade the law. Although she has the option of keeping her baby, she decides in the best interest of herself, her daughter, and the future baby, to place the baby for adoption. Her lawyer persuades her to take her case to court to challenge the Texas statute that denied her the right to have a legal abortion. The case, Roe v. Wade, eventually reaches the Supreme Court and, along with another case, Doe v. Bolton, ultimately leads to the landmark decision to nationally legalize abortion (Terkel 13-16). Since the legalization of abortion in 1973, its legality has become one of the most controversial issues in the United States. The opponents of abortion argue in the interest of the fetus, while the other side, supporters of abortion rights, fights in the interest of the woman (Toner 1). An all-out concession by either side of the debate seems unlikely, so the only probable solution to the abortion issue would be a compromise involving limits to abortion, better distribution of information, and more alternatives available to women.

            The issue of abortion dates back to the fourth century B.C., when Aristotle advised “abortion for parents with too many children” (Day 15).  Some of the earliest medical texts include references to abortion. Hippocrates (c. 460-c.377 B.C.), a Greek physician often called the father of medicine, shared his recipes for abortifacients (agents for causing abortion) in his book, Diseases of Women (Day 15). Galen (c.130-c.200 A.D.), a physician who wrote many medical texts, described a number of abortifacients in his manuscripts.  Even entire civilizations had their own ‘recipes.’ Ancient Egyptians made their abortifacients from dung, resin, juniper, leeks, Egyptian salts, and celery seed (Day 16).

            Although abortion had existed for many centuries before hand, opposition was never documented until the advent of Christianity. During the thirteenth century A.D., the philosopher and Catholic theologian Thomas Aquinas wrote that life begins when the soul enters the body (Day 16). Aquinas felt that it was not a mortal sin to abort the fetus before its soul had entered the body because life did not begin until one had a soul (Day 17). He defined that occurrence as forty days after conception for male fetuses, and eighty days after for females (Day 16). Aquinas’ standards were adopted by the Catholic Church, and remained in use for centuries. In later years, quickening – when the mother first feels the baby move – became the definition for the time when the soul entered the body (Day 17).

            During the early colony days of the United States, abortion laws followed the English Common Law. Under the English Common Law, abortion was forbidden. An abortion performed prior to quickening was a misdemeanor, while one performed after that event qualified as a felony. In the early 1800s, the definition for when life began changed when it was discovered that life began at fertilization, not when she “felt life.” Throughout the mid-nineteenth century, each present-day state passed their individual laws concerning abortion. By 1860, eighty-five percent of the population lived in a state that had passed new laws prohibiting abortion (Willke 1). The effects of abortion could be seen in the number of children a woman had. In the 1800s, the average American woman had given birth to seven children, but by 1900 that number had dropped to three and a half. Some people estimated the abortion rate had been between one fifth and one third of all pregnancies (Day 18).

As the years progressed, the reasons women wanted an abortion changed. During the mid 1800s, motives for having an abortion included health concerns, financial pressures, and covering up the scandal having had sex outside of marriage. Medical doctors and unlicensed abortionists with varying skills used the same methods: poisons or inserting sharp objects into the uterus (Day 17).In the 1930s, poverty was an accepted reason, and by the 1940s and 1950s, some doctors even accepted psychiatric reasons (Day 21). The “acceptable” reasons for having an abortion continued to expand, including mother’s health, fetal abnormalities, and rape and incest, in addition to the list of preexisting motivations (Day 34-37).

Even though abortion had existed for centuries beforehand, public objection did not come into play until the mid 1800s.  In 1838, Charles and Anna Lohman, assuming the names Dr. Mauriceau and Madame Restell, advertised their abortion services in the New York Herald. Their efforts were successful, and they opened branch offices in other cities. Other people followed their example, and the performing of abortions became a business (Day 18). In the following decades up to the mid 1900s, concerns over the risks of abortions performed by unlicensed practitioners led to the passing of United States laws to regulate abortion. The American Medical Association (AMA) was able to get restrictions placed on abortion by the mid 1900s (Day 18). In the second half of the twentieth century, the AMA joined forces with the Church in a campaign against abortion (Day 19). Other organizations emerged on the scene, taking either one side as abortion supporters, or the other side as anti-abortion advocates. In 1921 Margaret Sanger, a nurse in the New York ghetto, founded the American Birth Control League, which later became the Planned Parenthood Federation of America, pushed for giving a woman her rights (Day 21). The American Law Institute (ALI) suggested a standard abortion code in 1959. Those guidelines allowed abortion when a pregnancy “would gravely impair the physical or mental health of the mother,” when the child was likely to be born with “grave physical and mental defects,” and when rape or incest was involved. The abortion would also have to be approved by two doctors (Day 23). The National Organization for Women (NOW) included the right to control their reproductive lives, and gained support from many Protestant Churches (Day 23).

In 1973, a national ruling was made by the Supreme Court. In Roe V. Wade, the Supreme Court ruled that states could not interfere with the physician-patient decision during the first trimester. Intervention was allowed during the second trimester only to ensure safe medical practices that were related to the mother’s health. During the third trimester, however, states could regulate or prohibit abortion unless the procedure was necessary to protect the life or health of the woman (Day 24).

Two decidedly different sides to the abortion issue have emerged over the past few centuries. Individuals and groups usually take one side or another; they either support abortion, or they oppose abortion. Those who believe that abortion should stay legal are often categorized under the caption pro-choice. Those who classify themselves as against abortion generally put themselves under the caption pro-life. The varying issues that these two groups are at odds about include the morality of abortion, the restriction of abortion rights, as well as other diverse topics.

Those people who can be described as pro-choice believe that abortion should stay as an available choice for women who want one performed. Many people who group themselves on this side of the issue believe that abortion is not immoral. At the moment of conception, a sperm and ovum join to create one cell. To say that one cell is already a full human being, they say, is illogical. Whether the result of procreation is labeled a zygote, blastocyte, embryo, or fetus, because it does not have all the attributes of a human being, it cannot be considered one (Morgentaler 1). Since the object of discussion is not a human being, it cannot be considered murder when an abortion takes place.

A main issue among the pro-choice community pertains to the woman’s choice and right to have an abortion. They debate and argue that no one can tell a woman what to do or not do with their bodies. A pregnancy involves many responsibilities, inconveniences, limitations, and even dangers. Women who eagerly await the birth of that wanted child see that as a small price to pay; however, for those women who have no dependable partner, are too poor, are too young for the responsibility of caring for a child, or emotionally and physically unprepared to become mothers, being forced to continue an unwanted pregnancy can be devastating (Day 92-93). Other people say that if the mother’s life is threatened, she was the victim of rape or incest, or the fetus is grossly deformed, then that woman should be able to have an abortion if she wishes. Stephanie Foster, vice president of government affairs for Planned Parenthood, stated, “We want to support people in all types of decisions they make (Osborne 1-2).” Many pro-choice proponents have voiced their opinion that an unwanted child should not be brought into the world (Day 81).

The pro-choice community upholds their outlook on abortion that keeping abortion legal and available to women is in the best interest of the United States community as a whole. The pro-choice philosophy maintains that:

…the availability of good medical abortions protects the health and fertility of women and allows children to be born into homes where they can receive love, care, affection, and respect for their unique individuality, so that these children will grow up to be joyful, loving, caring, responsible members of the community, able to enter into meaningful relationships.

Thus, reproductive freedom – access to legal abortions, to contraception, and, by extension, to sexual education – protects women and couples and is probably the most important aspect of preventive medicine and psychiatry, as well as the most promising preventative of crime and mental illness in our society (Morgentaler 3). 

This philosophy is supported by a number of different statistics. Wherever the legislation of abortion has been liberalized, the effects on public health have been positive. A steady decline in complications and mortality associated with medical abortions, a decline in mortality due to childbirth, a drop in newborn and infant mortality, an overall decline in premature births, and a drop in the number of births of unwanted children are all evidence of the effectiveness in the following of the philosophy (Morgentaler 3).

On the opposite side of the spectrum regarding the abortion topic, many people and groups see abortion as an unnecessary evil that needs to be done away with. Many issues brought up by pro-choice icons have counters brought forward from people who feel strongly for the pro-life side of the issue. The main idea they accept and fight for shows abortion as the murder of a human being. Those people who fight to make abortion illegal feel the issue is a matter of life and death for millions of innocent children (Day 77). John Jansen, co-director of Generations for Life, said, “Just as I believe no one has the right to kill an innocent human being who is already born, I also believe no one has the right to kill an innocent human being who is not yet born (Jansen).” Pro-lifers argue that it is not a choice, but a child.  By speaking of the fetus as a “choice,” the pro-choice activists are dehumanizing and depersonalizing unborn children (Day 80). Sidney Callahan, a pro-life feminist, says that “the fetus is an immature dependent form of human life which only needs time and protection to develop. Surely, immaturity and dependence are not crimes (Day 81).” While pro-choice supporters feel that abortion should be a choice made available to women, one decidedly pro-choice website demonstrates an entirely different opinion. An article on abort73.com states, “Abortion isn’t about choice, it’s about the systematic slaughter of innocent human beings (Photographic 1).”

One very controversial issue involves the definition of when human life begins. Pro-lifers contend that life begins at conception, and surprising as it may appear to many people, the medical community agrees with that contention. Dr. Jerome LeJeune, Professor of Genetics at University of Descartes, voiced his opinion based on medical testimony, "After fertilization has taken place a new human being has come into being. [It] is no longer a matter of taste or opinion...it is plain experimental evidence. Each individual has a very neat beginning, at conception (Medical 1)." Various other reputable persons also lent their voices in conveying the medical truth. Dr. Alfred M. Bongioanni, Professor of Pediatrics and Obstetrics at University of Pennsylvania, said,” I have learned from my earliest medical education that human life begins at the time of conception (Medical 1)." In 1981, a United States Senate judiciary subcommittee received those two testimonies, among with many others from a variety of medical experts. The official Senate report came to the following conclusion:

Physicians, biologists, and other scientists agree that conception marks the beginning of the life of a human being - a being that is alive and is a member of the human species. There is overwhelming agreement on this point in countless medical, biological, and scientific writings (Medical 1).

In addition to the argument over the personhood of the unborn, abortion also violates the fetus’s interests (Kaplan 27). Just because the unborn child does not have the same human capabilities as a newborn does not mean that it does not have interests. If the criteria for personhood lied in the ability to exercise abilities, then someone in a reversible coma would not have any interest (Kaplan 29). While the person in a coma cannot exercise his or her abilities at that present moment, that person still has interest because of the potentiality to use them. The fetus also has a potential to use human capabilities (Kaplan 29). Morton Kaplan wrote in one of his articles, “Like the fetus …the individual in a reversible coma…clearly has interests (Kaplan 29).”

            Abortion has been legal in the United States ever since that fateful day in 1973. Every year in the United States, roughly 1.3 million abortions are performed. That burns down to more than 3,500 abortions being performed every single day and approximately one abortion every twenty seconds (Voice 1). Approximately forty-six million abortions are performed each year worldwide, which accounts for about 126,000 abortions daily. About twenty thousand of those annual abortions are obtained in countries where either abortion is restricted or prohibited (Abortion 1). In one clinic in Dallas/Ft. Worth, Texas during the late 1970s, it was $185 to $1,250 for a second or third trimester abortion. “Twelve weeks and under was $185 and 13 to 14 weeks was $250, and 14 to 15 weeks was $375. The $1,250 was the top of the line - general anesthesia, second or third trimester abortion. Abortions can be performed with oral medication or, if you have the money, with general anesthesia (Everett 1).”

            With so many abortions being performed every day, and the price tag attached to an abortion, the people who truly profit are those who run the abortion clinics. Carol Everett of Greater Dallas Right to Life and former worker for an abortion clinic, said, “I watched my employer's income go from $25,000 to $125,000 a year in two clinics… Most of the clinics are run in chains because it is so profitable. Where else can someone like me make $150,000, much less a quarter of a million a year (Everett 1)?” Deception in that Dallas clinic can quite easily be seen in what Everett says:

In the clinics I was involved with, we didn't do any real counseling. We answered only the questions the woman asked …We did not discuss any alternatives to abortion unless the woman forced us to…The counselor does try to determine the reason this woman wants the abortion. Not so much to help as to use fear to reinforce the abortion decision… We told them it [follow-up counseling] would be available, however, we used some techniques in the recovery room to discourage further contact except for future abortions…a 13-year-old girl came in for a two-week check-up. The check-up is not as much to check them, as it is to be sure you didn't miss a pregnancy. She didn't come out of the room for a long period of time. She was slitting her wrists (Everett 1).

With the number of abortion clinics in the world, let alone in the United States, it is not hard for one to imagine that this type of thing might occur on a daily basis, nationwide, and worldwide.

            Abortion could be completely banned and outlawed in the United States. This would of course make many pro-lifers happy; however, there would be bad side affects as well. If this were to happen, there would of course be the people who would seek to have abortions illegally. The mortality rate from these procedures could increase because of the unavailability of safe and sterile environments in which the abortions could take place. Uproars from pro-choice groups would surge because of the new law repealing Roe v. Wade. An increase in live births could mean more children growing up in bad homes and higher crime levels. It could also mean more babies available to people wishing to adopt. With abortion banned, people could see a reason to be more careful and use protection with their easy escape not as readily available.

With all the uproar over abortion, it is sometimes hard to see any type of resolution to the conflict. Hillary Clinton, a faithful supporter of abortion rights, previously spoke about working with the pro-life movement to realize a mutual goal of fewer abortions (Gragnani 2).With little else foreseeable, the only likely solution to the myriad of combat over abortion would be a compromise somewhere in the middle ground between the two sides of the issue. Susan E. Wills, Secretariat for Pro-Life Activities, says:

Solutions to the abortion issue were being worked out at the state level -- political compromises that would allow for abortions in some circumstances which the great majority of citizens in each state would agree to -- for example, abortions when the life of the mother was at risk or in cases of rape and incest. That whole democratic process of compromise came to a screeching halt when the Supreme Court issued its ruling in Roe, effectively taking the issue out of the hands of citizens through their elected representatives and usurping that power for themselves (Wills).

With abortion becoming a sizable issue in politics, much debate has occurred concerning the topic. Francis Pauc of St. Stephen’s Parish says, “…the Green Party wants to provide enough alternatives to women so that abortion no longer becomes an attractive option for women – safe, legal, and rare, with an emphasis on rare (Gragnani 2).” Bill Clinton, while running for his first term as president, said he wanted to make abortions “safe, legal, and rare (Gragnani 2).” Compromise would keep both sides relatively happy.

The abortion debate in America can be seen as a rising storm. A solution to the dispute will eventually have to be reached. Even though either side may seem more agreeable to any individual person, neither side would be willing to just give up on their cause, leading back to the only plausible solution of a compromise somewhere between the pro-choice and pro-life principles.

Works Cited

“Abortion Facts.” 7 Nov. 2007. www.abortionno.org/resources/fastfacts.html.

“A Voice for the Unborn.” 7 Nov. 2007. http://www.voiceforunborn.com/.

Day, Nancy. Abortion: Debating the Issue. USA: Enslow Publishers, Inc. 1995.

Everett, Carol. “What I Saw in the Abortion Industry.” 7 Nov. 2007. http://incolor.inetnebr.com/stuart/whatisaw.htm.

Gragnani, Vincent. “A little less confrontational, a little more action: after more than 30 years of stalemate, some on both sides of the abortion debate are ready to put down their signs and start trying to work together.” U.S. Catholic. Sep. 2006: 12(6). Infotrac. Herscher High School Library, Herscher, IL 6 Nov. 2007. http://infotrac/galegroup/com.itweb.herscherhs.

Jansen, John. Co-director, Generations for Life. Email Address john@prolifeaction.org. Email Interview. 12 Oct. 2007.

Kaplan, Morton A. “Abortion Violates the Fetus’s Interests.” The Abortion Controversy. Ed. Bruno Leone. San Diego, CA: Greenhaven Press, Inc., 1995. 27-32.

“Medical Testimony.” 5 Nov. 2007. http://www.abort73.com/HTML/I-A-1-medical.html.

 Morgentaler, Henry. “Abortion is a Moral Choice.” At Issue: The Ethics of Abortion. San Diego: Greenhaven Press. 2001. Infotrac. Herscher High School Library, Herscher, IL 22 Oct. 2007. http://infotrac/galegroup/com.itweb.herscherhs.

 Osborne, Eric. “Life Support. (ABORTION POLITICS).” The Christian Century. 26 June 2007: 8(3). Infotrac. Herscher High School Library, Herscher, IL 6 Nov. 2007. http://infotrac/galegroup/com.itweb.herscherhs.

 “Photographic Evidence.” 5 Nov. 2007. http://www.abort73.com/HTML/I-A-4-warning.html.

Terkel, Susan Neilburg. Abortion: Facing the Issues. USA: Moffa Press, INC. 1988.

Toner, Robin. “Abortion Foes See Validation for New Tactic.” New York Times. 22 May 2007. 26 Sep. 2007 http://www.nytimes.com/2007/05/22/washington/22abortion.html.

Wills, Susan E., Esq. Associate Director for Education, Secretariat for Pro-Life Activities, U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. Email Address swills@usccb.org. Email Interview. 20 Oct. 2007.

Willke, Dr. and Mrs. J. C. Why Can’t We Love Them Both. 7 Nov. 2007. http://www.abortionfacts.com/online_books/love_them_both/why_cant_we_love_them_both_7.asp.

So I read a book...

I recently read Francis Chan's book Crazy Love. It was a tremendous challenge to me as to just how much my God loves me, and what that means concerning how I should respond to it. I took some notes while reading the first chapter, some things that stuck out to me, and I'd like to share some of those here.

• God is holy
• We don't decide who God is
• "I am that I am" -Exodus 3:14
• Set apart, distinct from us
• Because of this, there is no way we can ever fathom all of who He is
• Nothing and no one to compare Him to; our words cannot contain Him
•  We worship a God we cannot exaggerate
• God is eternal
• He exists outside of time; since we are inside time, there's no way we will ever totally grasp that concept
• Psalm 102: 12, 27 "But thou, O Lord, shalt endure forever; and thy remembrance unto all generations...But thou art the same, and thy years shall have no end."
• God is all-knowing

I know these notes are in no way comprehensive. By the time I got to where I ended, I was so into the book I forgot to take any more notes :) But this much definitely makes you stop and think about just how great our God truly is, how incomprehensible to our finite minds.

Another thing that particularly struck me was when Chan brought up Isaiah's and John's responses to being in God's presence in His throne room. He encouraged the reader to read Isaiah 6 and Revelation 4, which I did. I would encourage you to do so as well. Notice how Isaiah and John react to being in God's very presence! Oh, that I would have that reverence for the God who created me and saved me from myself!

Growing Pains

Something occurred to me yesterday. In my Christian life, I want to grow and learn, but I want it to be easy and painless. That's simply not how it works, though.

Physical growth spurts are accompanied by growing pains. They're evidence of what is going on inside. Similarly, ought I expect to have some measure of pain in my striving to become more like Christ?

Doing good doesn't come naturally. In fact very often I war against my flesh over keeping a proper attitude and doing right. It is a very good thing that I have such a problem with the sin in my life! The pain I experience doesn't necessarily mean I'm doing something wrong. It's an evidence of what's going on in my heart.

James 4:7 KJV

"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."

I'm Amazed

God’s love is incomprehensible. I’m a liar, a cheater, an idolater…I deserve every bit of wrath He could dispense. That would be the just thing, coming from a perfect, holy God who cannot tolerate sin. But He is also the God of love and mercy. That is why I am amazed. God ought to have utterly destroyed me long ago, but His patient love kept me, and still keeps me. Why would a perfect and holy God love someone so depraved, incapable of living even one day without violating His Word?

 It is because of that love that I am what I am today. I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was nine years old, but for the next 11 ½ years I tried to live in my own power. I made decisions at summer camp to read my Bible every day, but I gave up every time after only a few weeks. I made half-hearted surrenders to God’s will, but I wasn’t really willing to give my all to the Savior. I really wanted to live for God, but I guess I was afraid to let Him have everything, that He would lead me down a path I didn’t want.

When I started looking at what college I would attend, God made it very clear that He wanted me at Maranatha Baptist Bible College. Other than my decision to accept Christ as my Savior, I’ve never been so sure about a decision as I was when I told my parents I was going to go to Maranatha as we drove away after our one day visit. God has brought so many incredible friends into my life while I’ve been there, friends who push me to grow spiritually and who genuinely care about me.

 I sat through hundreds of convicting sermons in chapel and church and devotionals in the dorm. I wanted what all those different speakers were talking about—that close, intimate communion with God—but  it seemed unattainable, so far away I had no hope of ever finding it. I felt lost, like I didn’t know where to start.  My pride kept me from asking my room leader, dorm supervisor, or anyone else about how to “have devotions,” kept from admitting that I’d never had a consistent devotional life. I tried some of the ideas I heard about from different people, but those ways just felt like another assignment, too academic and not personal, so I gave up on them. It wasn’t until my senior year that God finally got a hold of my heart and finally revealed the root problem to me.

It was Sunday, September 11, 2011. A date most Americans remember as the 10^th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. But I remember that date for a more personally significant reason—the day I finally got tired of telling God, “no,” and surrendered myself completely to Him. To be honest, I didn’t even want to be at Calvary in Watertown that Sunday. Some of my friends were visiting another church, and I wanted to be with them; but I had another commitment—to play with the college band for a special 9/11 service at Calvary that Sunday morning. I had contemplated asking to be excused from the service so I could visit this other church with my friends, but I ultimately decided I needed to honor my responsibility to be there for the performance, even if I did have a bad attitude about it. God had a reason for me being there that night.

That Sunday night, Randy Tanis preached about camp ministry. I honestly don’t remember much of his sermon, as he didn’t get too far into the message before God broke my hard, selfish heart, and I wept through the rest of the service. I had wanted to work at a summer camp for the longest time, but had been too afraid—too dependent on my own weak self—that I couldn’t do it.  And I was right. I couldn’t do it in my own power. That night, God broke through my selfish, prideful defenses and showed me how I had been relying on my own power, and not His. I determined that by God’s power, I would do what He wanted me to do, whatever it was.

Every year as the mission’s trips for the following summer were introduced, I would think, “I would love to go on a mission’s trip! But I could never do that.” But this past year, my outlook had changed; instead of dwelling on the fact that I couldn’t do things in my own power, I thought, “Where and how can God use me this summer?” God led me to apply for a summer mission’s ministry, and I was accepted for Team Argentina.

At some point in my first three years of college, I had started praying to God, asking Him to give me a hunger for His Word. I realized that I was never going to get there on my own. But it wasn’t until after I gave up the tight grip I had had on my life and allowed God to have control that I began to see change. I didn’t notice it at first, but now I look back at where I was in September and where I am now and I’m amazed. For the first time I can really understand what true joy is; I’ve truly been thankful in the midst of a trial for that trial, because it’s changing me to be more like Christ.

But with the thrill of each victory comes the frustration when I inevitably fall prey once again to the same sins—worry, fear, wanting to give up. However, instead of dwelling on the worry, fear, or other bad attitude like I know I usually do I’ve started going directly to the Source of peace and comfort through prayer and His word first—by His grace. His Word has become so much more alive to me, so much more precious, as a result. My prayer life has greatly improved over its previously almost non-existent state. I can’t even really express it in words just how much closer I feel now when I pray, how much more intimate the relationship is between me and my heavenly Father.

That just brings me back to the reason I can have any of this: God’s love. And I’m amazed. Why should He patiently pursue one such as me, who essentially kept Him at arm’s length for so long? Essentially what I was saying was, “I want you to save me from hell, but I still want to control my life. I don’t really trust Your plan for my life.” But God dramatically changed my heart, and now I want Him to have every part of my life. That doesn’t happen all at once, though. It’s so hard to give up something you’ve been holding on to for so long. Over the past six months, though, God has been slowly working in my heart to give pieces over to Him, bit by bit.

I’m amazed. That God would love me. That He wants a relationship with me; that He wants to call me daughter; that I can call Him Abba, Father. That He has justified me, forgiven and cleansed me from all my sin. That one day I’ll be glorified. That He is so patient with me; that He didn’t give up on me. I’m amazed at the change He has brought in me in such a short time. I’m amazed when I look back and see just how much I’ve changed. I’m amazed that I can talk to God whenever, wherever, for whatever. That He is always with me. That God wants to use me.

And every day, in every way, I’m amazed.

Reflections on My Life

I’ve been thinking a lot about life lately. The other night I was looking through some papers and I came across my Aunt Mandy’s obituary. She was eight years older than me and only twenty when she was killed in a car accident eight years ago. I paused as I read that number—twenty…that’s how old I am now. It made me think of how life is so short and full of unexpected surprises, some good…some bad.

I’m sure my parents were surprised, shocked, when they discovered shortly after I was born that I had a heart murmur and a hole the size of a dime between the chambers of my heart. I’m sure they were anxious when I would sometimes turn blue from lack of oxygen when I cried.

I remember when I found out, as a freshman in high school, that I needed a second back surgery. I went light headed and almost passed out. The first surgery hadn’t done what the doctors had hoped in stopping the curve from increasing, and now I had to be cut open again and have metal rods and screws attached to straighten my spine. The added hardware in my back would mean decreased flexibility, essentially none through most of my back.

And yet as I think back on these experiences my family and I went through, I can really see how God has really blessed and been gracious. Had I been born 40 years earlier, when there was no surgery to fix congenital heart defects like I had, I wouldn’t be alive today. Even if the hole in my heart had closed by itself, the progression of my scoliosis would have at the very least made for a lot of back pain, as well as a disfigured posture and the possibility for other physical problems.

I can’t remember what it was like to be able to bend and twist my back. But even though my range of motion and flexibility has been severely decreased, I’m thankful I’m not in constant pain. Even though I will most likely continue to have issues with my heart, I am thankful I live in this current age of modern medicine.
I wouldn't have chosen to have the health issues that I've had, but who would? But in a way I am thankful because through them God has shaped me into the person I am today.

Not Your Typical Freshman

          Another essay from advanced writing class from fall semester '10. For this one the assignment was to write an essay about yourself.

          The experiences during my freshman year of high school were different from those that most freshmen go through. It started at an appointment with my family doctor for the mandatory physical for incoming freshmen. Dr. Long, my doctor since I was born, noticed something wasn’t right. I already knew I had scoliosis—I had had surgery on my back in the fifth grade which fused bone on a bone in my shoulder to try to stop the increasing of the curve. But the curve had grown worse and something needed to be done about it.

            I went back to Dr. Grayhack, the orthopedic surgeon at Children’s Memorial Hospital who had done my first surgery. I had x-rays taken, from a side view and from the back. When Dr. Grayhack showed me those current images compared with the ones from right after my surgery it was evident that the curve had increased quite a bit. Not only was the increase evident on the x-ray images, but it was also visible externally—my left shoulder was higher than my right shoulder. I remember feeling sick to my stomach and like I was going to pass out when the doctor told me I needed another surgery. But before that could happen, I had to go through a lot of different tests to be sure I was able to go through the long surgery.

            One of the tests checked my breathing and lung function since during surgery I would be face down the entire time. I had to sit in a small chamber with clear walls and breathe into and through a tube. Once the test was over, the tech realized he hadn’t shut the door to the chamber and the computer hadn’t recorded any of the results. He had me redo the whole test after he made sure the door was properly closed. I got upset at the time, but looking back I can see the humor in the situation.

            Another test was a kidney ultrasound. I was born with only one kidney and the doctor wanted to make sure the one that I did have was healthy enough to go through a major surgery. For this procedure I had to lie on an examination table and the tech told me to get into a comfortable position; I wasn’t allowed to move until it was over. I got into a position that was comfortable at the time—ankles crossed—but after lying immobile in that position for fifteen minutes, the rest of the hour-long procedure felt like torture.

            Then I had to have my heart tested because I had had open heart surgery as a baby. For this I had to wear a Holter monitor for 24 hours. I had an appointment at a nearby hospital and a technician stuck the electrodes all over my skin and gave me some instructions. I had to wear the monitor on a strap over my shoulder and it was a bit cumbersome to wear it around school all day. I had an appointment with the pediatric cardiologist who had seen me since I was born as well. Everything looked good and I received the go-ahead from him.

            These tests took place over the course of the months after the school year began until December. After all the test results confirmed that it was okay to proceed, the surgery was scheduled for an early Tuesday morning, January 25, 2005. Instead of fusing bone, this time the doctor was going to straighten my spine and use two titanium rods and screws to keep the bones in that position. I arrived at the hospital early that morning and donned one of those much-loved hospital gowns. The nurses prepped me for surgery; the anesthesiologist covered my face with a mask, and the next thing I knew I was waking up in recovery after the surgery.

            I had to stay in the hospital for a week, lying on my back for most of the time. After I was released from the hospital I had to stay home from school for a whole month. One of the teachers from school that I knew pretty well came and tutored me during that time so I kept up pretty well with my classes. The surgery as since affected my life as well, considering I can’t bend my back except for at the neck and at the waist.

My first semester of high school was different from the typical high school freshman’s experience. Learning I would need major surgery, going to numerous subsequent doctor appointments, going through the actual surgery, and staying home for an entire month of school certainly qualify as atypical.