Growing Pains

Something occurred to me yesterday. In my Christian life, I want to grow and learn, but I want it to be easy and painless. That's simply not how it works, though.

Physical growth spurts are accompanied by growing pains. They're evidence of what is going on inside. Similarly, ought I expect to have some measure of pain in my striving to become more like Christ?

Doing good doesn't come naturally. In fact very often I war against my flesh over keeping a proper attitude and doing right. It is a very good thing that I have such a problem with the sin in my life! The pain I experience doesn't necessarily mean I'm doing something wrong. It's an evidence of what's going on in my heart.

James 4:7 KJV

"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."

I'm Amazed

God’s love is incomprehensible. I’m a liar, a cheater, an idolater…I deserve every bit of wrath He could dispense. That would be the just thing, coming from a perfect, holy God who cannot tolerate sin. But He is also the God of love and mercy. That is why I am amazed. God ought to have utterly destroyed me long ago, but His patient love kept me, and still keeps me. Why would a perfect and holy God love someone so depraved, incapable of living even one day without violating His Word?

 It is because of that love that I am what I am today. I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was nine years old, but for the next 11 ½ years I tried to live in my own power. I made decisions at summer camp to read my Bible every day, but I gave up every time after only a few weeks. I made half-hearted surrenders to God’s will, but I wasn’t really willing to give my all to the Savior. I really wanted to live for God, but I guess I was afraid to let Him have everything, that He would lead me down a path I didn’t want.

When I started looking at what college I would attend, God made it very clear that He wanted me at Maranatha Baptist Bible College. Other than my decision to accept Christ as my Savior, I’ve never been so sure about a decision as I was when I told my parents I was going to go to Maranatha as we drove away after our one day visit. God has brought so many incredible friends into my life while I’ve been there, friends who push me to grow spiritually and who genuinely care about me.

 I sat through hundreds of convicting sermons in chapel and church and devotionals in the dorm. I wanted what all those different speakers were talking about—that close, intimate communion with God—but  it seemed unattainable, so far away I had no hope of ever finding it. I felt lost, like I didn’t know where to start.  My pride kept me from asking my room leader, dorm supervisor, or anyone else about how to “have devotions,” kept from admitting that I’d never had a consistent devotional life. I tried some of the ideas I heard about from different people, but those ways just felt like another assignment, too academic and not personal, so I gave up on them. It wasn’t until my senior year that God finally got a hold of my heart and finally revealed the root problem to me.

It was Sunday, September 11, 2011. A date most Americans remember as the 10^th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. But I remember that date for a more personally significant reason—the day I finally got tired of telling God, “no,” and surrendered myself completely to Him. To be honest, I didn’t even want to be at Calvary in Watertown that Sunday. Some of my friends were visiting another church, and I wanted to be with them; but I had another commitment—to play with the college band for a special 9/11 service at Calvary that Sunday morning. I had contemplated asking to be excused from the service so I could visit this other church with my friends, but I ultimately decided I needed to honor my responsibility to be there for the performance, even if I did have a bad attitude about it. God had a reason for me being there that night.

That Sunday night, Randy Tanis preached about camp ministry. I honestly don’t remember much of his sermon, as he didn’t get too far into the message before God broke my hard, selfish heart, and I wept through the rest of the service. I had wanted to work at a summer camp for the longest time, but had been too afraid—too dependent on my own weak self—that I couldn’t do it.  And I was right. I couldn’t do it in my own power. That night, God broke through my selfish, prideful defenses and showed me how I had been relying on my own power, and not His. I determined that by God’s power, I would do what He wanted me to do, whatever it was.

Every year as the mission’s trips for the following summer were introduced, I would think, “I would love to go on a mission’s trip! But I could never do that.” But this past year, my outlook had changed; instead of dwelling on the fact that I couldn’t do things in my own power, I thought, “Where and how can God use me this summer?” God led me to apply for a summer mission’s ministry, and I was accepted for Team Argentina.

At some point in my first three years of college, I had started praying to God, asking Him to give me a hunger for His Word. I realized that I was never going to get there on my own. But it wasn’t until after I gave up the tight grip I had had on my life and allowed God to have control that I began to see change. I didn’t notice it at first, but now I look back at where I was in September and where I am now and I’m amazed. For the first time I can really understand what true joy is; I’ve truly been thankful in the midst of a trial for that trial, because it’s changing me to be more like Christ.

But with the thrill of each victory comes the frustration when I inevitably fall prey once again to the same sins—worry, fear, wanting to give up. However, instead of dwelling on the worry, fear, or other bad attitude like I know I usually do I’ve started going directly to the Source of peace and comfort through prayer and His word first—by His grace. His Word has become so much more alive to me, so much more precious, as a result. My prayer life has greatly improved over its previously almost non-existent state. I can’t even really express it in words just how much closer I feel now when I pray, how much more intimate the relationship is between me and my heavenly Father.

That just brings me back to the reason I can have any of this: God’s love. And I’m amazed. Why should He patiently pursue one such as me, who essentially kept Him at arm’s length for so long? Essentially what I was saying was, “I want you to save me from hell, but I still want to control my life. I don’t really trust Your plan for my life.” But God dramatically changed my heart, and now I want Him to have every part of my life. That doesn’t happen all at once, though. It’s so hard to give up something you’ve been holding on to for so long. Over the past six months, though, God has been slowly working in my heart to give pieces over to Him, bit by bit.

I’m amazed. That God would love me. That He wants a relationship with me; that He wants to call me daughter; that I can call Him Abba, Father. That He has justified me, forgiven and cleansed me from all my sin. That one day I’ll be glorified. That He is so patient with me; that He didn’t give up on me. I’m amazed at the change He has brought in me in such a short time. I’m amazed when I look back and see just how much I’ve changed. I’m amazed that I can talk to God whenever, wherever, for whatever. That He is always with me. That God wants to use me.

And every day, in every way, I’m amazed.

Reflections on My Life

I’ve been thinking a lot about life lately. The other night I was looking through some papers and I came across my Aunt Mandy’s obituary. She was eight years older than me and only twenty when she was killed in a car accident eight years ago. I paused as I read that number—twenty…that’s how old I am now. It made me think of how life is so short and full of unexpected surprises, some good…some bad.

I’m sure my parents were surprised, shocked, when they discovered shortly after I was born that I had a heart murmur and a hole the size of a dime between the chambers of my heart. I’m sure they were anxious when I would sometimes turn blue from lack of oxygen when I cried.

I remember when I found out, as a freshman in high school, that I needed a second back surgery. I went light headed and almost passed out. The first surgery hadn’t done what the doctors had hoped in stopping the curve from increasing, and now I had to be cut open again and have metal rods and screws attached to straighten my spine. The added hardware in my back would mean decreased flexibility, essentially none through most of my back.

And yet as I think back on these experiences my family and I went through, I can really see how God has really blessed and been gracious. Had I been born 40 years earlier, when there was no surgery to fix congenital heart defects like I had, I wouldn’t be alive today. Even if the hole in my heart had closed by itself, the progression of my scoliosis would have at the very least made for a lot of back pain, as well as a disfigured posture and the possibility for other physical problems.

I can’t remember what it was like to be able to bend and twist my back. But even though my range of motion and flexibility has been severely decreased, I’m thankful I’m not in constant pain. Even though I will most likely continue to have issues with my heart, I am thankful I live in this current age of modern medicine.
I wouldn't have chosen to have the health issues that I've had, but who would? But in a way I am thankful because through them God has shaped me into the person I am today.

Not Your Typical Freshman

          Another essay from advanced writing class from fall semester '10. For this one the assignment was to write an essay about yourself.

          The experiences during my freshman year of high school were different from those that most freshmen go through. It started at an appointment with my family doctor for the mandatory physical for incoming freshmen. Dr. Long, my doctor since I was born, noticed something wasn’t right. I already knew I had scoliosis—I had had surgery on my back in the fifth grade which fused bone on a bone in my shoulder to try to stop the increasing of the curve. But the curve had grown worse and something needed to be done about it.

            I went back to Dr. Grayhack, the orthopedic surgeon at Children’s Memorial Hospital who had done my first surgery. I had x-rays taken, from a side view and from the back. When Dr. Grayhack showed me those current images compared with the ones from right after my surgery it was evident that the curve had increased quite a bit. Not only was the increase evident on the x-ray images, but it was also visible externally—my left shoulder was higher than my right shoulder. I remember feeling sick to my stomach and like I was going to pass out when the doctor told me I needed another surgery. But before that could happen, I had to go through a lot of different tests to be sure I was able to go through the long surgery.

            One of the tests checked my breathing and lung function since during surgery I would be face down the entire time. I had to sit in a small chamber with clear walls and breathe into and through a tube. Once the test was over, the tech realized he hadn’t shut the door to the chamber and the computer hadn’t recorded any of the results. He had me redo the whole test after he made sure the door was properly closed. I got upset at the time, but looking back I can see the humor in the situation.

            Another test was a kidney ultrasound. I was born with only one kidney and the doctor wanted to make sure the one that I did have was healthy enough to go through a major surgery. For this procedure I had to lie on an examination table and the tech told me to get into a comfortable position; I wasn’t allowed to move until it was over. I got into a position that was comfortable at the time—ankles crossed—but after lying immobile in that position for fifteen minutes, the rest of the hour-long procedure felt like torture.

            Then I had to have my heart tested because I had had open heart surgery as a baby. For this I had to wear a Holter monitor for 24 hours. I had an appointment at a nearby hospital and a technician stuck the electrodes all over my skin and gave me some instructions. I had to wear the monitor on a strap over my shoulder and it was a bit cumbersome to wear it around school all day. I had an appointment with the pediatric cardiologist who had seen me since I was born as well. Everything looked good and I received the go-ahead from him.

            These tests took place over the course of the months after the school year began until December. After all the test results confirmed that it was okay to proceed, the surgery was scheduled for an early Tuesday morning, January 25, 2005. Instead of fusing bone, this time the doctor was going to straighten my spine and use two titanium rods and screws to keep the bones in that position. I arrived at the hospital early that morning and donned one of those much-loved hospital gowns. The nurses prepped me for surgery; the anesthesiologist covered my face with a mask, and the next thing I knew I was waking up in recovery after the surgery.

            I had to stay in the hospital for a week, lying on my back for most of the time. After I was released from the hospital I had to stay home from school for a whole month. One of the teachers from school that I knew pretty well came and tutored me during that time so I kept up pretty well with my classes. The surgery as since affected my life as well, considering I can’t bend my back except for at the neck and at the waist.

My first semester of high school was different from the typical high school freshman’s experience. Learning I would need major surgery, going to numerous subsequent doctor appointments, going through the actual surgery, and staying home for an entire month of school certainly qualify as atypical.

Time of Refreshment

I don't know about anyone else, but I really enjoy hearing different speakers other than my own pastor time to time. For the past five days, my home church held a Family Life Conference with speaker Dr. E. Allen Griffith of Biblical Family Ministries.

Not only do you hear a different voice and preaching style, but you also hear topics you wouldn't necessarily hear from your pastor's regular preaching. As you might be able to tell from the name of the meetings, Dr. Griffith preached a variety of messages on the family, specifically about how families should function according to the Bible--as their prayer card states, "Proclaiming God's Plan for the Family."

Unlike some people who might have been less than thrilled to be going to a church service on a Saturday or weekday night, I was genuinely excited and looked forward to hearing each new message.

Some of the things he said stuck out to me:

• is it enough to have a "clear conscience"? you have to have the right values in your heart: based in the Word of God
• The Bible is the Word of God. It tells how to live; Submit to His Word. Wrong thinking: "I know what the Bible says, but..." (1 Corinthians 2:1-16)
• The Bible is revelation--God making Himself known to man: Truth we would not have otherwise known
• The wife is to submit to her husband: submit yourself to your husband so he can stand and fall before God; the husband is to love his wife with a sacrificial love--God says so! 
• If the husband does his part and is a biblical leader and loves his wife, that makes it very easy for the wife to submit to him! (Ephesians 5)
• Give God thanks in every thing. There is a reason for trouble, pressures. God has an abundant, overflowing amount of grace to get you through, to teach you. Let Him! (2 Corinthians 4:7-18)
•  Victory in Christ [Title of message: "Gray Hair and Bald Heads"-for older folks] 
• You are still here for a purpose, to minister. You can impact your children and grandchildren. Be willing to still let God use you.
• Testimony of the psalmist (Psalm 37:25-33): God is faithful to His own--He'll never forsake you.
• Have a spiritual vision: What you do today may have great impact on those coming after you.
• Proverbs 22:6, 15 -- Addressed to parents: train your children. Three aspects: (1) Control them, so they're respectful and obedient (2) Teach them, do things for the glory of God; so they develop their own convictions (3) Love them, express it: say it, hug them.
• John 17:6, 9, 14, 18 -- We are in the world but not of the world. The world is apart from and hostile to God. The world is unchanged in character, but different in face. (Romans 12:1-2; Galatians 1:4)
• Why would we want to be "culturally relevant"? If we compromise with the world in our  churches, to what do we win them?
• Example of Noah: the culture fell apart around him, yet he didn't let it into his life; he wasn't defiled or contaminated by his culture

Each night was a great reminder of all God has given us, through His Word and in individual blessings. I was a bit sad to see the week come to an end, but I hope that the things that God spoke to me about through this great speaker remain and continue to help me to change to be more like Christ.