God’s love is incomprehensible. I’m a liar, a cheater, an idolater…I deserve every bit of wrath He could dispense. That would be the just thing, coming from a perfect, holy God who cannot tolerate sin. But He is also the God of love and mercy. That is why I am amazed. God ought to have utterly destroyed me long ago, but His patient love kept me, and still keeps me. Why would a perfect and holy God love someone so depraved, incapable of living even one day without violating His Word?
It is because of that love that I am what I am today. I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was nine years old, but for the next 11 ½ years I tried to live in my own power. I made decisions at summer camp to read my Bible every day, but I gave up every time after only a few weeks. I made half-hearted surrenders to God’s will, but I wasn’t really willing to give my all to the Savior. I really wanted to live for God, but I guess I was afraid to let Him have everything, that He would lead me down a path I didn’t want.
When I started looking at what college I would attend, God made it very clear that He wanted me at Maranatha Baptist Bible College. Other than my decision to accept Christ as my Savior, I’ve never been so sure about a decision as I was when I told my parents I was going to go to Maranatha as we drove away after our one day visit. God has brought so many incredible friends into my life while I’ve been there, friends who push me to grow spiritually and who genuinely care about me.
I sat through hundreds of convicting sermons in chapel and church and devotionals in the dorm. I wanted what all those different speakers were talking about—that close, intimate communion with God—but it seemed unattainable, so far away I had no hope of ever finding it. I felt lost, like I didn’t know where to start. My pride kept me from asking my room leader, dorm supervisor, or anyone else about how to “have devotions,” kept from admitting that I’d never had a consistent devotional life. I tried some of the ideas I heard about from different people, but those ways just felt like another assignment, too academic and not personal, so I gave up on them. It wasn’t until my senior year that God finally got a hold of my heart and finally revealed the root problem to me.
It was Sunday, September 11, 2011. A date most Americans remember as the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. But I remember that date for a more personally significant reason—the day I finally got tired of telling God, “no,” and surrendered myself completely to Him. To be honest, I didn’t even want to be at Calvary in Watertown that Sunday. Some of my friends were visiting another church, and I wanted to be with them; but I had another commitment—to play with the college band for a special 9/11 service at Calvary that Sunday morning. I had contemplated asking to be excused from the service so I could visit this other church with my friends, but I ultimately decided I needed to honor my responsibility to be there for the performance, even if I did have a bad attitude about it. God had a reason for me being there that night.
That Sunday night, Randy Tanis preached about camp ministry. I honestly don’t remember much of his sermon, as he didn’t get too far into the message before God broke my hard, selfish heart, and I wept through the rest of the service. I had wanted to work at a summer camp for the longest time, but had been too afraid—too dependent on my own weak self—that I couldn’t do it. And I was right. I couldn’t do it in my own power. That night, God broke through my selfish, prideful defenses and showed me how I had been relying on my own power, and not His. I determined that by God’s power, I would do what He wanted me to do, whatever it was.
Every year as the mission’s trips for the following summer were introduced, I would think, “I would love to go on a mission’s trip! But I could never do that.” But this past year, my outlook had changed; instead of dwelling on the fact that I couldn’t do things in my own power, I thought, “Where and how can God use me this summer?” God led me to apply for a summer mission’s ministry, and I was accepted for Team Argentina.
At some point in my first three years of college, I had started praying to God, asking Him to give me a hunger for His Word. I realized that I was never going to get there on my own. But it wasn’t until after I gave up the tight grip I had had on my life and allowed God to have control that I began to see change. I didn’t notice it at first, but now I look back at where I was in September and where I am now and I’m amazed. For the first time I can really understand what true joy is; I’ve truly been thankful in the midst of a trial for that trial, because it’s changing me to be more like Christ.
But with the thrill of each victory comes the frustration when I inevitably fall prey once again to the same sins—worry, fear, wanting to give up. However, instead of dwelling on the worry, fear, or other bad attitude like I know I usually do I’ve started going directly to the Source of peace and comfort through prayer and His word first—by His grace. His Word has become so much more alive to me, so much more precious, as a result. My prayer life has greatly improved over its previously almost non-existent state. I can’t even really express it in words just how much closer I feel now when I pray, how much more intimate the relationship is between me and my heavenly Father.
That just brings me back to the reason I can have any of this: God’s love. And I’m amazed. Why should He patiently pursue one such as me, who essentially kept Him at arm’s length for so long? Essentially what I was saying was, “I want you to save me from hell, but I still want to control my life. I don’t really trust Your plan for my life.” But God dramatically changed my heart, and now I want Him to have every part of my life. That doesn’t happen all at once, though. It’s so hard to give up something you’ve been holding on to for so long. Over the past six months, though, God has been slowly working in my heart to give pieces over to Him, bit by bit.
I’m amazed. That God would love me. That He wants a relationship with me; that He wants to call me daughter; that I can call Him Abba, Father. That He has justified me, forgiven and cleansed me from all my sin. That one day I’ll be glorified. That He is so patient with me; that He didn’t give up on me. I’m amazed at the change He has brought in me in such a short time. I’m amazed when I look back and see just how much I’ve changed. I’m amazed that I can talk to God whenever, wherever, for whatever. That He is always with me. That God wants to use me.
And every day, in every way, I’m amazed.
