Me

I feel like if I did this I would talk to no one.

I also feel like I suck at relationships in general. This is me, right now.

Thoughts From Today

A few things that I wrote down throughout the day. Three separate occasions, along a similar theme. So many things go through my mind throughout the day, but I forget them if I don't write them down immediately. A lot of times I'm driving when thoughts occur to me, so I can't write them down. Today I had opportunity to put the things to paper:

I always see and hear more than people think I do. More than they even mean by their words and actions. My mind automatically interprets things in so many ways all at once, usually ending with a conclusion that assumes the worst, or less than positive at best. I may look like nothing is going on, but inside there's a battle waging.

Sometimes I think maybe I'm incapable of opening myself to someone else. That I'm always going to be alone because of this. That people only see my outer self and take no time to get to know the real me. I feel like I'm a different species, or even an alien stuck in this world, with nobody to be with.

I get so lost in thinking about what I want that I forget about my relationship with God. I need to focus on that, instead of the things I'm disappointed about in life.

Drive

I'm normally a pretty calm, laid-back person, taking things as they come. But there are a few circumstances where I have almost zero patience - one of which is when I'm driving. People do some of the dumbest things when they are driving, and it DRIVES. ME. CRAZY. Here's a list (in no particular order) of the things other drivers do that annoy me:

• Not using turn signal until they're practically stopped (signal before you break, people)
• Not using turn signal at all
• Driving too closely behind me, especially at higher speeds. (3 seconds between you and the car in front of you. I make a point to count the seconds sometimes - pick a spot and count how long it takes you to reach it after the car in front of you)
• Pulling out in front of me - and then turning a half mile down the road.
• Not accelerating up to the speed limit because they're turning in a mile or two.
• Not stopping at stop signs ([almost] everyone rolls through a stop sign sometimes, but blowing right through one? You're gonna cause an accident)
• Driving slow in the fast lane.
• Driving so slowly I can pass them going under the speed limit.

This list is by no means exhaustive - I'm sure I could think of more things if I put the time in.

Story of Me - More Than You Ever Wanted to Know

I always give up on blog posts because I can't come up with a start that I'm happy with. Well, here's the beginning of my blog post. No excuses. There have been some things that I've been needing to say, to get out. I despise posts on social media where people feel the need to post their every problem to everybody. It seems desperate and needy - which I do feel sometimes. Well, here's my story. Not plastered all over Facebook, but here on my personal blog for whomever cares to read it. It's a story that's been months, years even, in the coming.



Sometimes - many times - I feel very alone. When I left home for college 7 years ago (WOW!) I fully expected that I wouldn't be leaving alone. And by that I mean I believed that I was going to meet the man I would marry - and that would be my status by  now. I left high school full of hope for the future. I've always wanted to find the love of my life and marry him - since, well as long as I can remember. 

I had a crush on one guy all the way through high school, since seventh grade, and it didn't end until halfway through my freshman year of college. I told him, in a round about way, during our sophomore year of high school. We would email each other sometimes, just to stay in touch outside of school. We would sign-off the notes with "Love," as friends do. One time I wrote "Love (in more than one way, maybe)." Wonderfully direct (not...)! Well, he had a girlfriend at the time, and he responded something to the effect of  "we're very happy right now." So that was that - as I continued to keep my secret interest for the next 2 1/2 years. I believe I did love him - as much as my young, teenage self could.

Fast-forward to college, where I realized that there was no point of continuing to pointlessly torture myself for someone who wasn't going to reciprocate the feelings. I went to special school events with a few guys my freshman and sophomore years. I spent a couple summers obsessing about a couple different guys (one at a time, I promise). Because that's what I do; I obsess. Plant the thought in my mind that a guy could possibly have a bit of interest in me, and I'm off. It's happened a couple times, by well meaning friends...Before they say anything, I'm just being friends with a guy. Then a couple friends think they see something, they say something, and that gets me thinking. Very dangerous - because then comes the obsession (but not in a creepy way, I promise. More like a "I can't stop thinking about and analyzing every little thing said and done" way). I thought, what better place to find your life mate than at a place where you're surrounded by like minded people who share your faith? Apparently that wasn't God's plan for my life.

Senior year of college I thought my moment had finally come. I was asked to artist series by a guy whom I'd worked and had several classes with (whom I had briefly considered interest in previously, but discarded the thoughts when I heard that he liked another girl. That's the quickest way I get over a guy - he starts dating someone else). I accepted. We went out at  a coffee shop and talked. It was a wonderful time. We went to the artist series concert together and then went bowling afterword. Again, we had a wonderful time. Then about a week later we went out for dinner together at a local place. I'd been waiting for, expecting, the conversation to turn to serious things. Which they did. He asked, "What do you think of dating?" And I froze. I literally couldn't say a word. I sat there, thoughts furiously going through my head, but they wouldn't come out verbally. I was scared, so scared. I don't even know how to fully explain it. I felt like I was drowning in my my mind. I didn't know how to verbalize what I was thinking. Suffice to say things didn't end well. Sometimes you come across questions such as "if you could go back in time, what is one thing you regret that you would change." there is nothing in my life that I really regret except for this experience - and I wished for a long time that I COULD  go back and change those events. I finally obtained closure almost 2 years later when I wrote to him, apologizing for the way I had treated him.

I've only ever wanted one thing more than I want to be married, to love and be loved. I remember vividly how I felt when I realized my need of salvation. That April night fifteen years ago, when I told my mom, who was washing dishes, that I NEEDED to be saved. And she led me to the Lord while we sat on my bed. That desire, that need, is the comparison I realized for how deeply I desire that relationship - that of a husband and wife. I've grown up hearing and reading about how great it is, God's design for man and woman. I want my chance.

Now. I graduated from college and moved back home 3 years ago. And I've never felt as alone as I do now. Life up to college was school. Granted, I never really had friends until junior high, but from then on I had my group of friends, so I guess you could say my life got progressively better as I got older. Then college. I loved attending Maranatha. I loved being in the atmosphere, surrounded by other Christians. Even if the rules were annoying sometimes, the people more than made up for any inconvenience the rules created. Friends who truly cared, professors who truly cared. I've never been one to easily open up, as my closest friends know all too well. But for four years I was in an environment where I thrived, I always had people. Now, I don't have that constant access to people. I feel like a burden to peopled, like I'm imposing if I express a need for their time. Sometimes I feel like I care more than other people. Maybe I do, or maybe that's a lie. But where is everybody? I feel like if I want to keep in contact with anyone, I have to be the one to always initiate. Just the thought of that is exhausting sometimes. Why does nobody talk to me, I wonder? I must care too much, I think. Everybody's busy, they get distracted with life. Then I see posts about how people are getting together, and it makes my heart ache.  I miss my friends so much. What happened to me?

x

Beginning of a Journey

Wow! It's been just over a year since my last post! 

Well, as the title of this post says, I've  embarked on a new journey. A journey to health and fitness. I've been unhappy with my weight and lack of fitness for quite a while now, and after trying several unsuccessful attempts over the past few years I decided enough was enough.

I think the main reason I failed before was because I didn't have any real motivation and I was trying to do too much. So this time, I'm just doing the basics: watching what I eat and exercising more. I found a great app for my phone that lets me keep track of what I eat and how much I exercise (Livestrong MyPlate) along with the main website, which has a lot of helpful articles and workout ideas. I think the key for me is variety: too much of one thing makes me get bored, so I quit. The internet is helpful in this regard! A quick search and I can find new ideas for workouts and for different interesting foods to try! (Pinterest is great! lol) It's rather difficult to work on my core muscles since most of my spine is fused because of surgery to correct scoliosis, but I've found some great exercises to work those hard-to-reach muscles (and believe me, they are so very out of shape because of that!) Today I discovered a way to do sit-ups in the pool (impossible otherwise) which is awesome! I love that I can do workouts in the pool! No sweat! :)

So, I began this journey about 2 weeks ago (15 days to be exact...) and so far I've lost 5 pounds! Which is a great start toward my goal of 30 pounds. I know this will definitely help with my occasional back pain (caused by spondylolisthesis). I want to increase my physical endurance (I can't even jog 1/10 of a mile right now...) and strength.

So here I go!